I am sad, scared & ready

At the beginning of this year I didn’t choose a word for the year
– as I had done in previous years.

A word to dream about, a word to work with, a word to invite into my live.
For example, the year I started ‘The Dutchess of Orange’ it was ‘SING’ – and I did!

Like I said, I didn’t choose a word this time.
This time, the word choose me.

Kimberly’s word:SQUARE Oracle cards 2


I saw it everywhere,
Read it everywhere,

I painted it,
Journaled it,
Dreamt about it.

Kimberly was my sister-in-paint, my fearless sister. Together with many others we created the Fearless Sisters Oracle Deck: ‘Awakening to your Divine Self’. Her card was ‘Integration’. Her art was so beautiful. Her words so inspiring.

I didn’t tell her.
I didn’t tell her she was my word.
I didn’t tell her she was my inspiration.
I didn’t tell her, because I wasn’t ready.

Because telling her would mean I wouldn’t just be dreaming and painting and journaling about integration – safe and secure.
It would mean I would need to practice it.

Need to live it.

Integrate all the different parts of my life.
Not be one person at work and another in my studio.
Not show happiness in my workshops and cry in my journals.
Not only show the art I love, but also the process and the struggle.

And I wasn’t ready.
I was scared.

This week, without any warning, we lost Kimberly.

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And in the hours and the days after, my mailbox and Facebook were filled with her.
Her beauty.
Her life.
Her art.
Her words.

When in doubt: love.

Only this time her words didn’t make me smile and nod my head.
They didn’t just make me shout ‘yes’ to my screen.
They didn’t just inspire me to create and live.

They cut me open.

Without this past week,
without the love her friends shared,
without her love and encouragement,
I would not be writing these words.

I would be scared.
To show up.
To speak.

And that’s not where true freedom is found.

Yes, I am afraid you will not understand.
Yes, I am afraid you will reject me.
Yes, I am afraid.
Yes, I am painting anyway.

So I picked up my paintbrush.
And painted with so many of our mutual friends in the Commemorative Online Painting Vigil for Kimberly.


Like Kim said in one of her wonderful posts:

“Within minutes I lost myself in the paint, which really means I found myself again.”

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And I came back here.
And wrote my heart out to begin my personal practice of Integration.
Trying to find to way to express my gratefulness to Kimberly for having the courage to open up, to show her deepest, most vulnerable self. And by doing that – giving me permission to do the same.

The Dutchess of Orange is changing.
I am changing.
I am integrating.
All the parts of me into one:

I am Kim.
Nice to meet you.


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Lovely comments

  1. I’m so sorry about you losing your dear friend, makes me so sad for you on such a sudden loss. But this is such a lovely tribute to her and I’m sure she will forever live on in her art and in yours. My thoughts are with you…

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